Next Stop, Disillusionment

This has been my most challenging week BY FAR. I feel like things are not quite spiraling, but slipping a bit. I've had more behavior problems this week than the entire school year combined. I've had a few kids swear at me in Yupik (I think). And I've been losing my temper way too often. Overall, I've just felt kinda crappy lately. 

The funny thing is, I just had a new teacher training in Bethel, which was all about classroom management and the benefits of positive reinforcement. We were shown a lengthy powerpoint presentation on the merits of staying positive and providing expectations for our students. One slide that stuck with me was a chart that chronicled the psychological phases of a first year teacher. The typical first year teacher starts out at the stage of anticipation, then moves onto survival, followed by the lowest stage of disillusionment. After hitting rock bottom, a typical teacher experiences a stage of rejuvenation, then reflection, and finally anticipation again. I am most definitely in survival mode right now. I work long hours. I attempt to get the most out of my students. I try to be innovative. But's it's tough. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction. In the land of no distractions, my mind is elsewhere. 

I came here at the end of July with wide (but not entirely dry) eyes after saying goodbye to family and friends. I was reassured by the fact that I could make a difference as a teacher. I wasn't just leaving for a job, I was leaving for a purpose. I'm into my second month of working and I'm frustrated with my lack of results. 

I remember coming into school on that first day and giving the kids an admittedly bad, rambling speech of the rah, rah variety. I realize it probably fell on deaf ears and why shouldn't it have? Some new teacher (an outsider) coming into their village and telling them all the great things that they can accomplish. It's probably not the first time they heard that from someone, only to see them not deliver and disappear the following year. It's a cliche, but talk is cheap. I want to back up my talk. And when I don't see myself doing so, it pisses me off, for lack of better words.

So, as I sit here typing this, I realize I haven't hit the bottom. I am fully aware that I'm going to feel worse. There's certain things in life you just can't control. I'm just doing my best to manage the things that I can. Oh, and after I get the bad stuff out of the way, it's all good from there. Rejuvenation sounds nice right about now.